Seriously...

Her: A week and a half of trite outpourings to get over some great love. Must have been very deep. Goodbye "psychobitch."

Me: Learning to accept my new reality & start to move on does not mean I am over it. It does not mean I am just fine & dandy now. I refuse to sit & cry every day. I refuse to let it bring me down. Attacking me for how I choose to survive & cope will not help you. Stop focusing on me. I am not the one that did this. I apologized for how I behaved towards you but this is NOT my fault. Even if I got my rock & best friend back, I couldn't trust him. I am accepting it but doesn't mean I'm oh so happy now. I do have a heart. I do have real emotions. I do have a damn brain. As I keep saying, if I knew about you, this wouldn't have happened. I behaved terribly towards you, out of shock, but this is not your fault either & I apologized for it. What more do you want?! I am choosing to not dwell on the bad. I am choosing to turn it around & wish nothing but the best & happiness for you both. I am not a bad person. I have done nothing wrong. All I did was open my heart to someone that took advantage. Everyone copes differently. I cried for a week straight & now I am telling myself to hold my head up. That doesn't mean my love wasnt real. Again. Attacking me will not change anything. It happened. And it was not my fault. But thanks anyway for the sweet nickname. I am truly sorry for everything, but again, we are both victims. Stop focusing on me. I am not the one that started all of this. I have done nothing now but cope with my own issues & trying to be respectful towards you. I don't know what else you expect. If you have something to say to me, say it. I have no problem answering any questions. Now... Have a nice day.



Honestly. How is belittling me and my feelings going to help? Attacking me and making it seem as though I am the bad guy is not going to make your marriage suddenly work properly. I did not know you existed. I am a better person than that. If I knew, then this whole fucked up situation would not exist. At least, not with me! It has happened before, and there is no telling how many times. You can't even be sure it will not happen again! Stop blaming ME for his fucking mistakes.

Yes, I acted terribly towards you when I first found out. I feel horrible. I am not proud of it. Especially once it really hit me that you are a victim as well. You are more the victim in this than I. How many times must I apologize? When will it sink in that I DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU? He did. Not me. Your husband. NOT ME. I am trying my best to be respectful of you, and instead there is childish name calling. Really? I thought we were adults. I even removed a post upon your request, even though I wanted it to stay posted as it expressed what I was feeling. I wanted to show you that I am mature enough to RESPECT YOU... but apparently we are not being mature in all of this. So. I'm blogging.

The way I choose to cope with this is none of your business. Why does it bother you so much that I am trying to move on? Do you want me to still be hung up on your husband? No, I didn't think so. I do love him. It is not going to just *POOF* disappear. As you pointed out, it's only been a week and a half! I just choose to not let it eat away at me anymore. I cried for a week and then I said "enough," and stopped. Crying constantly will not make it better. It will not bring him back or change anything that happened. I decided to focus my energy instead on realizing that he will never be in my life again, and instead be happy that I got to know him while I did. To focus my energy on wishing he finds happiness and peace. I will always care. I am just choosing not to cry anymore.

I'm sorry I don't have less clichéd ways to express my heartache, but that doesn't mean my feelings weren't deep or genuine. I bleed the same color you do. The pain is still very much real and very much a part of me. I have my moments! I find myself lost in thoughts of him again and again, and have to force myself to stop before I start crying more. I do not want to live my life in misery. I have to remind myself that it's done, it's over, and he is never coming back. I have to remind myself that though my situation is difficult, I am not the one who is married to someone that vowed to love me for the rest of my life but cheated... So it could be worse. I respect marriages too much to become what I ended up being. I hate that he put me in that situation. I don't know how many times I can say that had I known, this wouldn't have happened.

I am holding my head up, I am forcing myself to keep the tears away and focus all my energy on the positive. I shouldn't be abused and belittled because I am dealing with things differently than you think I should. How would my constant weeping and pleas for him to come back help anything? I did that for a week, now I'm done. I am still grieving, but in a different way. Watching me suffer will not do anything. Stop focusing on me. I am not the one you need to keep an eye on. I am not the one that started this mess. I am respecting you by not constantly lashing out, trying to convince you to make him talk to me. I would love nothing more than for him to stop being a coward and just apologize, but I am leaving all of that alone. His stupidity and cowardice is not your fault and I have no rights to ask you to do anything for me. So I am moving on without answers or apology... and I will be ok.

So. Again. Stop focusing on me. Stop attacking me. I didn't do this, HE DID.

Rain.

Rain soothes me. I love rain. I don't understand people that hate rain. I even think people that use umbrellas have issues. The sound, the smell... It calms me. I love it. Yay rain. The only thing that can improve rain, is when it becomes snow. When everything is white and slow and quiet... aah yes.

What doesn't calm me... really loud vacuums. Grrr. I can't concentrate when this cleaning lady is cleaning. I swear she chose the loudest vacuum ever. Evil.

I've been having problems charging my phone. I am hoping a new charger solves the problem. If not... I'm screwed. And I will whine. A lot.

Random: I'm hungry.

I honestly wish I had more interesting things to talk about. When I do, I am rarely near a computer and then I forget what it was by the time I get to one. Fail. My new goal is to use this blog more... I just have to remember the more interesting things I have to say. I should send myself reminder texts or something when the inspiration hits me. I should text myself a reminder to text myself.

Quote Spam. Yes.

I am slowly starting to feel free. When you learn to accept a reality, it becomes easier.

He and I had already decided it wasn't fair to ourselves to go on as we were; we couldn't be together anyway. Yes, I learned later there was more to his side of the story, but that's not the point. We had agreed to start going on as friends... and to be friends always, no matter what. I had wanted to "move on" from the love relationship... but this sudden cut off was not quite what I had in mind. I prefer to ease into things slowly... I am not one to leap.

Perhaps I will never understand why he made up that little phone story. I may never know if he was planning to just disappear or if he was only taking a break from me. I don't think I will ever know the answers for many questions I have. And I am learning to accept that reality of things.

As much as I claimed he was stuck with me, after what I've done, I realize now that even if he came back... Well, our friendship would always be strained. A promise of friends forever "no matter what" I suppose never really means "no matter what." Sometimes that "what" is just too big to overcome. I blew my chances. I broke "what." There are too many issues now that would make "no matter what" rather impossible now. It breaks my heart more than it already is broken... But again, I am learning to accept that reality.

Taking baby steps. I've been slowly removing photos and videos from my phone. I feel completely sick and anxiety ridden and lost and overwhelmed in the moment... and then I am ok. I have had lovely support from some amazing people. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have a soul to talk to about any of this. I removed the bulk of the pictures and videos today. It was painful, yes. Then I was ok. Today has been the best of all, actually.

I have reached out, I have said my peace. I honestly meant every word. I hope they are happy. Maybe my words didn't get the reaction I was hoping for, but at the same time I guess I can't except a big thank you. It's not realistic. Besides, I think my words were not believed as I meant them to be. Go ahead believing I'm full of shit. I can't make you believe I am genuine if you are hell bent on not believing or completely hating me. I have apologized and said what I had to say... nothing else for me to do now except move the hell on.

Of course, I still snoop. It's human nature. It's a woman's nature. As I move on, snooping will become less and less interesting to me. I know it's not healthy to continue to look. It won't help me move on. It's just filling a void that I hope will be gone soon. As my heart has been forever altered, I can't just completely forget he existed. I had a huge hope that I would have his friendship in my life again. When I started to accept that I will never be allowed his friendship again, it became my new hope that he finds happiness. So I suppose my snooping ways will just be to check in and make sure all is well.

Upon snooping today, in my already good spirits, I came across a post about a lack of a dull morning. I have a tingling feeling it was a post meant to ruin my mood, but perhaps I just read too much into it. If that was the point of the post, however, it didn't work. Actually it made me laugh. I have hopes that the post wasn't fiction just in an attempt to ruin my spirit, but that it was truth and all is becoming well with them. I just wish him happiness, and want him to be alright. As I have said, I only wanted his friendship now. So to know that my friend is possibly doing quite well in spite of everything? Well, it certainly can't ruin my day.

I've worked on jewelry projects today. I've had a mini dance party, by myself. I've smiled. I've laughed. I've had a rather decent day. So yes. I truly am starting to feel free by accepting that my reality is forever changed. He will always have a place in my mind and heart, even with knowing there were so many lies. I can't help it. He changed me. I love him.

So much has happened in my life this year... Honestly, there is no point in catching up. I just needed to post something, as it's been ages.
Quickest version... I fell in love, he was married and didn't tell me. I am currently broken into a million pieces and just trying to breathe and survive each new day life forces me to live.
Apart from that, he was a great friend and I will miss that connection the most. We understood each others' anxiety and panic and he very quickly became my rock. I have trouble reminding myself to breathe because he is no longer here to tell me to.
I've ruined any chance of ever starting that friendship again by what I did when I realized he was still married. Big stupid mistake.
I do wish them the best, in that I hope they can work through all of this mess. I only want him happy, and it couldn't be with me even before I found out about the wife.
Long sobbing story cut way short... I just miss my best friend. And not getting any damn closure is just about killing me.

Anyway... as it's November, bazaar season has started. My second bazaar is coming up next weekend. I believe I have one or two more after that. So far, with the one completed bazaar, I made more money than last year. I guess that's a plus.

Just watched Pitch Perfect. Pretty much just died a little bit. I must own this movie lol.

Hoping tomorrow morning is the beginning of a positive new chapter in my life. But I'm stressed the fu*k out about it.