I am slowly starting to feel free. When you learn to accept a reality, it becomes easier.

He and I had already decided it wasn't fair to ourselves to go on as we were; we couldn't be together anyway. Yes, I learned later there was more to his side of the story, but that's not the point. We had agreed to start going on as friends... and to be friends always, no matter what. I had wanted to "move on" from the love relationship... but this sudden cut off was not quite what I had in mind. I prefer to ease into things slowly... I am not one to leap.

Perhaps I will never understand why he made up that little phone story. I may never know if he was planning to just disappear or if he was only taking a break from me. I don't think I will ever know the answers for many questions I have. And I am learning to accept that reality of things.

As much as I claimed he was stuck with me, after what I've done, I realize now that even if he came back... Well, our friendship would always be strained. A promise of friends forever "no matter what" I suppose never really means "no matter what." Sometimes that "what" is just too big to overcome. I blew my chances. I broke "what." There are too many issues now that would make "no matter what" rather impossible now. It breaks my heart more than it already is broken... But again, I am learning to accept that reality.

Taking baby steps. I've been slowly removing photos and videos from my phone. I feel completely sick and anxiety ridden and lost and overwhelmed in the moment... and then I am ok. I have had lovely support from some amazing people. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have a soul to talk to about any of this. I removed the bulk of the pictures and videos today. It was painful, yes. Then I was ok. Today has been the best of all, actually.

I have reached out, I have said my peace. I honestly meant every word. I hope they are happy. Maybe my words didn't get the reaction I was hoping for, but at the same time I guess I can't except a big thank you. It's not realistic. Besides, I think my words were not believed as I meant them to be. Go ahead believing I'm full of shit. I can't make you believe I am genuine if you are hell bent on not believing or completely hating me. I have apologized and said what I had to say... nothing else for me to do now except move the hell on.

Of course, I still snoop. It's human nature. It's a woman's nature. As I move on, snooping will become less and less interesting to me. I know it's not healthy to continue to look. It won't help me move on. It's just filling a void that I hope will be gone soon. As my heart has been forever altered, I can't just completely forget he existed. I had a huge hope that I would have his friendship in my life again. When I started to accept that I will never be allowed his friendship again, it became my new hope that he finds happiness. So I suppose my snooping ways will just be to check in and make sure all is well.

Upon snooping today, in my already good spirits, I came across a post about a lack of a dull morning. I have a tingling feeling it was a post meant to ruin my mood, but perhaps I just read too much into it. If that was the point of the post, however, it didn't work. Actually it made me laugh. I have hopes that the post wasn't fiction just in an attempt to ruin my spirit, but that it was truth and all is becoming well with them. I just wish him happiness, and want him to be alright. As I have said, I only wanted his friendship now. So to know that my friend is possibly doing quite well in spite of everything? Well, it certainly can't ruin my day.

I've worked on jewelry projects today. I've had a mini dance party, by myself. I've smiled. I've laughed. I've had a rather decent day. So yes. I truly am starting to feel free by accepting that my reality is forever changed. He will always have a place in my mind and heart, even with knowing there were so many lies. I can't help it. He changed me. I love him.